coffee, cheesecake, and chill

i guess it could be worse, i suppose, falling in love with an unavailable man. i rode the wave of blissful untainted joy. i knew what was going on and i left myself unchecked. somewhat foolish. but the mirror cracked and i was left reflecting on myself. its hard letting being a lone female, its like a queen without a court. whats the use of the crown, right? but thats what its like right now, I’m left sitting on the throne wishing for the slightest sight of life. maybe I’m upset the most because i just wanted to be wrong that the little red flags were going off. fore someone else has set them off in the past. i shouldn’t hold it to him. they still went off. i took note but was just too curious to see what would happen next.

things have changed between us. my feelings got hurt big time not too long ago, and i kinda spazzed. not the you’re a piece of shit spazzed, because no queen should act that way, but the kind that really bares one soul. i told him i had falling in love. one should note though that theres a difference in ‘i love you’ and ‘falling in love’. he’s my best friend, of course theres something to fall on. it was silly of me so now I’m back here. sitting on my throne thinking about my next move. I’m not upset that my love wasn’t returned. things have changed that all.

i just didn’t think past him. you know? like i waited so long to gain his attention again and now we are here. I’ve always said that i felt like I’ve always missed my mark with everyone and everything. i sound like a desperate fan girl. so yea. I’m completely lost on what to do but not insecure in myself. i don’t mind have this silence and peace. i don’t mind being humbled. i don’t mind being a little sad.

its like finally getting to fuck your high school crush and it turns out to be the worse experience. not because it was awkward, but because he was a terrible lay. so i sit here with a mug of coffee, french cheesecake (amazing), and a blunt just waiting.

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We were farmers.

I went home to cheat. I’m sure I told you all this before. But it’s been coming on my mind a lot more lately. Like, would I have actually done it? How would everything had turned out? I felt that was a corner post in my life. A clear a direct choosing of the path. It left ripples and only now can I see them. Every bump reminds me of where the stone dropped. How would it have changed? Furthermore, would I have been happier? I know for sure I would be back in north Carolina, probably living with my parents.
But then I return to boyfriend. I wonder sometimes looking at him what we really have in common. But then I think that’s not even it. It’s more of our moral grounds. We carry ourselves the same. My rights is his rights and our wrongs together. I don’t it’s necessary that we share the same hobbies. If we were richer we would. But right now we own what we own and it works. For now. I know he loves me. I also know he hates me too.

I am bitter.

Yes bitter. Social media has poisoned my well. It’s constantly showing me what everyone has. That I want. It’s making me bitter. Lord knows sometimes I am not trying. Sometimes I bath in my envy. Soaking it in. I want the ring on my finger. It’s been almost two years I have been with boyfriend. Two fucking years. I know people that meet and are married in two months. They are fucking happy. They are fucking pregnant and just glory fucking happy. Bitchs I know from high school are buying their third fucking house and I’m worried about fucking rent. Who let these fuckers out in the world. Get the fuck out of my little patch of sunshine. I especially hate seeing the fake ass people going on worldly vacations and to fucking Disney world. Um  hello debra, I’ve never been. Maybe on your NEXT FUCKING VISIT YOU CAN JUST SEND ME. and don’t get me started on

My family.

It’s actually a shameful experience with them. My uncle believes he should be the next president bush, and his daughters, my younger bitch ass cousins, all have their heads in the Pringle jar. Did I mention the youngest is pregnant? The little whore got pregnant in high school. Ironic coming from these little royal catholic assholes.
Everything changed after my grand parents died. We used to be a happier family. My mother was the oldest. She mourns the most. She’s been cheated again and again by her siblings. She hurts the most because she raised them all and every single one of them has turned away from her. She hurts the most because she knew their parents the longest. She grew up with them. She learned with them. But her six siblings are just weak low bastards. And I mean that with kindness.
I’ve recently spoken out again them, and well. All I have to say is, if my opinion didn’t better before then why would it now? So seriously, go fuck yourself.

20 more days till our roommates leave. I want to say we kicked them out but we had to be very graceful about it. They are the worst. But I can’t even say that. They are just disgusting humans. One keeps left over food in his room for weeks, the other leaves all the lights on and makes the biggest mess. I just wish we never met them. So yeah I can’t wait. However I’m a nervous. This is the first time the boy and I will be flying solo. We had our own place back home but his cousin was kinda staying with us too so this is legit. I think we got this. I just got to keep up my end and stay with this job. I think it’s about to get easier. But at least I have three weeks to get my shit together and my stores running.

God now I’m tired. Lord knows I’m trying.

Work husband?
Yes let’s talk about him. Oh boy I am really in trouble now. So at one of my stores there’s this god that works in the back in receiving. He’s always looking so fresh. And he looks a lot like boyfriend. He is so nice to me, and it’s very possible he is equally nice to everyone else. But I just love his smile. I absolutely have no trouble finding something that has box to be broken down. He has made a point to talk to me every time I’m there. And yes it’s possible he is equally as talkative to everyone else. All I am seeing is a positive judge of character. So I could definitely love getting paid to restock shelves and make many trips to the receiving bay, but not too many. I can’t make it look like some hoe shit. He can be my work husband.


And I know it. 

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It would be different if 

Today I witness a grown black man punch a white female in the head three times while she was driving. I was driving behind them. It was a black Impala on air port thruway. Sure I had dialed 911. Sure I said something. But I also slammed in the horn and cut them off. Got out and stormed the car. How dare he. What the fuck was this asshole thinking. It was pure rage. He ended up trying to play innocent. But He sure did run the fuck off. 

Needless to say boyfriend was not happy. Like what the fuck was I thinking? What if he had a gun? What was going to stop him from coming after you? Yes I know. But he didn’t. At least I did something. 

But it would be different if I was a guy. 

He said it. And there was a tiny crack in my love for him. What? Did he really just say that to me? Don’t you dare Jon Locke me. Not today. Not right now. I will be damned if someone will ever tell me to my face that I can not do something. And definitely not because I am a girl. 

Excuse me sir, who the fuck are you? 

He doesn’t understand. I was raised by a very strong and independent woman. Yes I had a father, I know him very well, and they are still married. But he was never there, you know, the classical father always running away from home. Only to return a few days, weeks, months, and years later. There was one time I didn’t see my dad for six years. There only two things I was always associate with him. A liquor bottle. And a old school corded phone. That’s all I ever got from him. 

In school. I was what you would call the bully of bullies. I was always the fattest and tallest kid in class. My older brother had a reputation as the big buff guy. He ended up stopping at 6’4. Everyone was scared of me. And most still are. But all I ever wanted was everyone to like each other. Maybe then people would be nice to me for a change. I guess you can say I was fighting an endless war. There will always be bullies. But I’m just that one asshole that will stop them. 

Put two and two together. And natural there is a complete red zone. Bullies to females. I can’t stand it. I don’t know if it’s because a man shouldn’t hit a woman or if it’s because I’m angry at the girl for not standing up for herself. 

As for boyfriend and I? Well. Just because I am with someone doesn’t mean I always have to agree to everything they say or do. It’s called respect. 

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The cost of two 

So tell me. Is it possible to love two at the same time? Is it wrong? Be fore I Judge myself I must think. Never thought I would be placed here. No seriously. I never was this type of girl. Things like this don’t happen to people like me. But here we are. 

It’s Him. The one before the boy. My ex. My best friend. We have been communicating lately. It started out as closuer for me. Finally getting what I wanted to say out without getting angry. Or an emotional mess. But it happened. Everything just clicked back together. Like a zipper on an old pair of jeans. Just smooth. Aged to perfection. That’s our friendship. It feels like everything never happened. 

But I love my boyfriend. 

But I never stopped loving him either. 

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The work of glory 

For we should glory in our bodies, for they are the work of God. 

Every day is a struggle. Waking up in this body. It’s not that I’m complaining but what am I being punished for. My joints ache. My fingers swell with the coming storms. Then I find myself rubbing my hands on mid sides. Trying to see if there is less fat there then before. I have to quit. I must love my body. The boyfriend loves this body. I get hit on almost every time I go out. Maybe it’s the tattoos. Maybe it’s the booty. Maybe by chance it’s the outfit. But why can’t I just love this body. Even during my fat month where my whole body swelled up when I ran out of medicine. Even then he loved me. 

The bed is just a shelf to put the body when not in use. 

It was suppose to be funny. A joke. A ha ha. But what if it’s true. I kinda feel that way. In my dreams I can escape. Be with the gods I am met to be with. Always learning from them.  I need to better myself. My attitude. They ask me. Where’s the queen? Where’s her majesty? Here I am. I know it now. I’m wearing my crown. Ready to make my public appearance. And I’m Fierce. 

I know lately be been absent but I promise you I’ve was awake the whole time. I’m trying. It’s like in the old movies. The goons are trying their hardest to pull a lever to switch the train track. To redirect it. Times running out. The train is coming and it’s not stopping. Steam is pouring from it. The wheels blur with gaining speed. The track is my mind. The train is the raging anger. The attitude. The switch is trying to get this train out of a repeating path of distruction. I’m trying. 

Lord knows I’m trying. 

I had dinner with my father last night. It went as awkward as I thought it would be. Both of us are terrified of each other. Both don’t know how to be around each other. Years of angry mistrust burning a field between us. But it also went as pleasently as it could have been. We really came together when we went candy shopping and squared off at a checkers board. He whipped my ass up and down the war zone. He taught me a few tricks. It ended when I finally bested him. I’m hoping to see him again and try again to replant that burnt field. 

I just hope it hasn’t been salted. 

I’m choosing to stay positive. I’m choosing not to let things drag me down. Does it effect me? Does it effect my money? Does it put food on my table? No? Bye Felicia. Im choosing to put energy in the people that take time to stay in touch with me. I’m choosing to show love. I’m choosing to be happy. I’m choosing this for me. 

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Miracle grow that hoe

It don’t make no sense unless I’m doing it with you….the whole world was black and white until you come home. I’m sitting there. In his spot. Wearing his sweat pants. Sporting his batman shirt. His controller in my lap. I’m watching our tv, without him. I don’t miss him yet. Not like omg he’s gone and never coming back missing him. But the place seems empty… 

I’ve noticed I’ve kept the room dark. Like he likes. So he can play in the dark. I like the light. The natural beauty that is free. But for a limited time.  

I free I killed my plant. Maybe I am giving it too much sun. Hmm. My mom is better at this then I am. Maybe I’ll do better when I get the fig tree. I requested it personally from the mother. God. I was so excited to get this plant. Swelling with pride even. I’m going to get this plant to live. Miracle growth that hoe. 

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I can’t even 

I can’t even begin to start. I come here to escape. The boy is in one of his moods. And I am in one of mine. It’s the pause in the relationship. It’s the skip in the heart beat. One second we are fine. Talking normally. I’m not looking to start a fight. Then he starts in. Why this. Always that. I do my best to blank it out. I’m trying not to react. He doesn’t see it. How’s he is being so mean. Oh boy here we go again. Sometimes it gets too much. I try to leave gracefully but he knows I’m not happy. For fucks sake. I have a headache too now. Be gentle. I’m not sure where this is all coming from. I know this doesn’t feel like a home. I know the cats where being loud this morning. We haven’t shunu-shunu is a while. But come back to me babes. 

Maybe I won’t entertain the thoughts of leaving you. It’s jealous of me. To want to make you suffer. But what’s the point. I know I can make your life so much happier. If I wanted to. But truth be told I’m bored. Being cooped up home day and night. I’ve been trying to wake up and stay up earlier in the morning. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do it. Like the day before. The cats let you sleep in then. I apologize for even thinking the thoughts. I am not the enemy. But your partner. Together we can achieve more. 

This is the point in why I want to marry you. Because it’s the trust we have together. It’s the way we move when we are sleeping. It’s an ever changing puzzle piece. It’s knowing that no matter which way I turn it’s always going to be a perfect fit. It’s knowing that even tho I am mad I can always tell you. Anything. It’s knowing that you are always right there in my mind. Reading me like a fitted glove. You’re my code one. I’m your biggest fan. 

These words are hard for me to say. I write them out because I hate the way I talk. My tongue stumbles over the sounds. It’s not as graceful as it is in my head. I write them out so you know it’s true. I can’t express how grateful I am for you, even when you are being an untouchable grumpy bear. I am who I am. But together I am more. 

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The fact I can see you soon 

Here’s a fun fact of the day. I have to turn the back light down because it gives me headaches. The later the night the dimmer it gets. 

Been dancing a lot. A bit of rump shakes here. A lot of air grinding over there. Been free styling more with the boy. You know being silly. 


That’s how I would describe my attitude. I’m free. Shaken loose. I’m just warming up. Stretching in all angles. Then I let go. Taking in the aroma of my man. Of me. Us. Together. A team to match no team. As one we are althe strongest we’ve ever been. In our entire lives. 

There the light goes. Dinner still. 

She’s gone. She’s here. I am here. I am not here. She’s nods her head to a beat only we can hear. It’s the best of our heart. She’s finally came home to me. I’ve been waiting so long. She came unannounced. Like always. High on her black horse. She was wearing her own style of clothing. The crown gleaming on her brown curls. My baby girl. She home. 

Beat by bass. It’s a dance. She’s knows too well but this time she’s on the outside. She sees everyone she knew and knows. Beat by bass. They sway to the drums. Kicking dust with each stomp. The men are throwing their heads back and forth. Their wild hair catching the glow of the fire. Beat by bass. The women are keeping in step, their arms darting hips bouncing, chasing shadows across the players. The eyes saw all of this and more. Beat by bass. She came taste the sweat on their faces. The very dirt filling their nose. She was oddly comfortable watching. Last time she was here she was the very center dancing solo in the center of the flames. The time before that she was a faceless dancer. Beat by bass. The beat changes. Causing the dancers to partner up. ah yes. This dance she knew too well. The cumming. Beat by bass. The beat drops. She sees their faces now. Ugly demons. Twisting in ways that no human should. Yet she was not afraid. She knew them all. Named. Beat by bass. She watched on. Her demons fed off each other. Filling the wild urge to fuck. Pussys and dicks everywhere. This time she watched. Her days of joining the game was over. This was the last time she watched. This was known. Beat by bass. There’s a break afterwards. A small time to regather yourself. People pushed passed her like she wasn’t there. They had no need for her. Some try to make a break for it. To try to escape but it’s no use. The music was starting up. Beat by bass. You got to know. This never ends. Not for them. She escaped tho. She woke up. Now she watches. There’s a smirk on her face. Beat by bass. She’s leaving now. The dance field is filling up again. People she once knew and know. Their games and tricks won’t help them. Not here. Here you’re trapped. Beat by bass. She further out and the brass droops once more. She could look back. One last time. But why would she?  Beat by bass. You got know. 

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Through you and yours

Together we are his family. Together we stand to honor him in life and death. 

Most highest…in the sky. Beyond the stars and ways. Hear my voice. Pull me closer. Lean in and let me tell you what’s going on. Please. All I ask is for some of attention. Father I am hurting. Father I remain strong. Just like you. I am rock the you made. I hear nothing. I can not be moved. But I see Father. I see and feel everything. The world around me Father is grim. Don’t get the wrong meaning Father. I have been picked up and thrown from North Carolina and landed in a beautiful weathered city in Georgia. But Father that’s not what I am talking about.  The air is toxic, yet I still breathe. There is so much negativity, its porous, sweeping in touching everything. It’s turning sour. Instead of coming together to build a pathway each rock is trying to make their own. Pebbles are breaking the bonds with the rocks, it’s caused frictions, the ground crys with sorrow. It hurts. It’s harder still to form bonds with other rocks. Together we are strong. 

Father, I need help. I need your guidance. I need to know that I am still on the same path you set me own. Father most high I give you praise and thanks for all you do. I know you and you alone are in control of the good and the bad. For they are one and hand in hand. Because of you Father I am where I am. This is known. But Father I am dirty and need to be washed by your hand. I pray you give me strength to carry your will and I pray for wisdom to know your hand. I seek guidance. I seek mercy. I see forgiveness. I pray you see my personal journey for self betterment and bless it with truth, honestly, and grace. Please Father help me withstand the pressures of life and harden me against the wrong. Please Father, save me. 





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Sell that lotto, they will follow

It’s a strange dance. Being in the break of total chaos and talking yourself down off the edge. Blame the tv. Blame the Internet. The need to feel something. To relate. To a killer. Anything. Blame the boyfriend. Blame the cats. Lazy mother fuckers. Anger. A flame that was once a tiny candle is suddenly pictured a solid smoking tower. How did it get here? A Journey you didn’t remember taking. It’s almost like that time you were high in pills. Sure on the outside people only saw the weed. You hid it so well. So you thought. How close the truth came out. How close you wanted to scream it out into the open. Those chances you had to come clean. Those chances are long gone. But you’re not on pills. Not this time. You’ve been clean for over a year. Almost two. 

It’s the cramps that get me the worst. I told boyfriend a few days ago that there was no hope for him. I really don’t mean to get so mad. It’s flares every damn time I look at him.  One second I want nothing more then just lay on him.  The next I’m on the other side of the room. I keep forgetting I’m allowed Advil. But just two. If it was just me I would bare the pain as a form of self torture. Letting my own body just self destruct. I just wish it would hurry up and get over itself and just unleash to full furry. 

Dancing helps. After all. No one sees what’s behind the curtain. 

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