i feel lost, captured. unable to escape myself, my future. i felt someone calling me last night, calling me higher, trying to rape my soul from me. i was torn. my earthly vessel was anchoring my wild soul in a space i was not suppose to be occupying. it felt wrong. so wrong. i wanted so much to free my soul to answer the call that i was receiving, but i knew i couldnt, my time here is not up. i havent completed the mission i was sent forth to do.
theres an over cast tonight, i have been granted a small patch to watch the stars with. my presence has scared all the mighty bull frogs, they seem to wait to see if i am a threat before resuming their nightly bellows for the lady frogs.our broken pool seems to be the ideal spot for them, since it grossly resembles a natural pond for them and to us. at each round of calls i try to map out where each one for my little fellows is from my god like spot on the top deck, the lower deck and yard below that as my play ground.
on a night like this, just three days before my 24th birthday, i am reminded that i am here by my own choosing, i am alone on that same note. i am not lonely by any means. but i lack the one thing that most humans my age crave for. i lack a partner, a mate, a lover. i have plenty of lovers, admires, and those wishing to gain my approval. but its not what i want. my chosen lovers in the past have all failed in various ways, mostly lack of education or the hunger to gain more knowledge. some for the lack of loyalty, the betrayal, some even the act of putting another before me. just simply will not be allowed. sometimes i feel so cold hearted for being the way i am. some people call me strong willed and independent because i refuse to take an ex back or i refuse to be treated like a plain stupid girl. i feel wrong. what am i lacking that every other girl seems to have naturally gained? enough of this. my time will come. hopefully in this life time, maybe in the next.
i am the north star.