times before

its been a while since ive seen myself. its not vanity. i actually mean i havent seen myself in a while. neither in mirrors or the car windows. i see a shadow of myself when i walk by but for some reason or another i just dont stop. back track. and looked at myself. i havent talked to myself either. the me that was sure. every word she spoke was true. merciless. and forgiving. its not that iam ignoring her. i just havent stopped. back tracked. and said hello. like some fine peice of leather just looking to have a good time. life to them is simple. i dont know if i should envy them or be ashamed at their lack of capicity to understand. to even get the thought that there was something more then the mundane.

im reading the beautiful creatures series. im so lost. daffuled that some of the things just doesnt make sense. maybe its the wording or the phrase thats just a bit off. but i am also finding that honestly thats just how things are to be. this is known. this is a series i am most positively keeping around. i know i will enjoy reading it several times till i know the story true. i am on the edge of my sit just awaiting for the dreams to start getting good. i surely seem to take the story a bit far to wrap it into my own creation. although.. its been a good while since ive had a good dream. the king is taking up late of not going to be before the rising sun. at first i hated it. but soon i got used to an empty bed. maybe that is what it is. i feel such a drift between us. it makes me wonder if him not committing to a study sleep schedule is throwing us off completely. its like he is there but he just isnt. anymore.

life outside of my mother rhleam is not what its promised to be. i find life to be difficult.. maybe everyone is going through it as well. the souls that have a more stable wealthy life just got the better draw of the cards. its not saying that you yourself cant draw your own cards. some were just dealt that way. what is this saying about modern america. where the young are too poor. the old are too young. an average couple must both work full time jobs. if they are smart with it they might *might* be able to afford a low income apartment. a decent stock of food. gas. most choose to get interenet over cable. you can always borrow or get a netflix account. movies and semi outdated shows are better then nothing. i applaud netflix for their recent events of adding some 90’s shows. but i am still dissapointed that they are still missing shows from nick.

now back to the couple. that is all saying being an optimist. they would have one or two cars already paid off. probably the same cars they drove in highschool. when it wasnt so hard. maybe it was hard then too but i dont remember waiting this long to find a job. anywhere. the chances of them have decent food stock. interenet. and gas decreases significatly if they have a/ car payments. b/kids c/kids with multi people. d/drugs e/drug charges f/more then 10 kids. sadly the chances of them have one or more above is greater then it was 10 years ago.

you think that is bad. wait till you find out how stupid it gets when you are single. and have no kids. forget the baby daddy or momma drama. forget the boo boos and the sweet morning smiles. when it comes down to do one to america, how much is the government or state is looking out for you? the scale doesnt even measure. you are a 27 white female. no childen. no health problems. works full time. you know. simple person. does her taxes like a civil normal american. refund check is a little over 200$. denied food stamps. shes hungry. health insureance is too expensive. its cutting into her rent money. what. the fuck. home girl she works with. has 3 kids. not even 25 years old. works part time. section 8. food stamps. free health insurance. tax refund check clears the thousands. tell me how that is justice. if it meant so much to america for you to have off springs they should make clinics to get women pregnant for free.

but then again. thats just how the cards are dealt. i wonder who still comes here. besides me. i know none of the few select that i gave the actual address too will never find it again. i didnt change anything. i just know they never brothered to same the address. i still have everyone elses. their blogs. their insight to their lives. do they brother for me? clearly the answer rings true. im not mad. its just like what the fuck. i do too much. this is true. i can never get upset but only at me. this is my life and i gave those who i want the most interest in being part of it. i thank god every day for what i have. i dont regret what i lack. if i were meant to have it then it is my devine right to have it. just fuck everyone else. they have to do their own thing.



About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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