the mister and i have been at odds lately. im sure a lot has to do since the week we lost both of our jobs. but i cant realy blame it on all that. lately we have been disant. most of the time we are always in the same room. he plays his video games. i read my books or im working on a side project. i make him food and bring it too him. i sit at an empty dinning room table. i come and go. he stays there. playing. his video games.
being in a relationship with a gamer isnt that hard. my father was a gamer. i am used to being alone. made to entertain myself. did i mention alone? last night was not the worst weve been at odds. i feel like im always waiting for him. no matter how many times i have to scream it at him. first it was let me finish this boss. just a few more minutes. we are almost finished. now its like ‘hey dinners ready when you are’ that ended up with me ending alone almost two hours later. i guess he wasnt hungry. but when he did manage to get off and ‘spend some time with my girl’ it changes too quickly ‘hey we have to go pick up so and so’ then im going to take a shower. then eat something. and THEN do you want to watch a movie? fuck no. why the fuck would i want to watch a movie with you so we can just lay there and not talk to each other? killer bunnies is my favorite past time with him. nothing like a competive card game to bring out the best of people. its always do you want to watch a movie. or just recently. old tv shows? what..the fuck. why cant we go walking?
his recent endorvors into religion ended up with him inviting the morons over. that goes pretty well on the most part. i rather enjoy seeing them. they are always so freindly. easy to talk to. i fully support him in this. even if i do not believe in organized church. i think religion is a very beautiful sacred and passionate. i just dont like to be held by a book of rules. its silly.
i would be shooting a dead horse if i didnt stand by that i believe you live the life you deserve. that goes hand and hand with you have the love life you want. i honestly didnt see the end of this relationship coming to a close. he fits me in more ways then one. nothing feels the same anymore. maybe it is me. do i ask for too much? do i want more then what i am suppose to have? he doesnt hit me. he doesnt quite ignore me. on purpose. its not a terrible relationship. he is not a terrible guy. but i didnt chose to stay with him to just spend my days in silent, in only my own company. nothing feels the same anymore. not the kisses. not the snuggles. not even his touch. its almost like he is a stranger to me. a stanger i know inside and out. i dont know how i got here. i dont know what single action turned the tide of my life to this. was it harmless? on point?
on a different note on the side. maybe it is me. i think i just want to point it all on him. like he is the answer to my problems. get new boy friend. or force him to submit. i think i depend on everyone to make me happy. let me rephrase that. i think i want to depend on boyfriend to make me happy. and thats not nice. its not cute. all i can say is that i know what i want for my life. i know i will remove and keep away anything or person that gets in the way of the flow of my goals. structure. security. laughter. good days. beautiful. growth. believed. the bands of life. i can honestly say that i have none of these currently in my life. and thats a dangerous thing.
so what comes next? do i go and wake boyfriend up and tell him these things? or do i get so worked up and convince myself to make a huge glorious seen to pack my belongings? heres the thing. i really dont know how to talk about my feelings outloud to anyone anymore. time and time again ive found that feelings get you in trouble. gets you mixed up and then everything boiles down to ‘life goes on.’ yes in deed it does. its physcial. i cant speak what im thinking. my jaw has no power to move. what voice box? and my lips feel glued. its hard really really really fucking hard for me to talk. im just so used to being quite. the real kayla doesnt speak. she watches and remembers. no one understands it. specially not boyfriend. i think when you talk you turn down the mind. didnt someone once say that you cant speak, read, and think at the same time? oh yes my art teacher. i showed my ass that day. sometimes im such a bitch.
so i ask again. what comes next? i cant tell you what comes next. im really just watching. but i do need to talk to boyfriend. his actions shouldnt effect me so much. but they do, hopefully i will find a way to cope with that.