im sitting here with mary. she always listens. i feel like i am about to be screwed over by my last employer. i was unjustifiably let go. this so called store closing. now they want to stop my from getting unemloyement. this i need. this is what i need to pay rent.
rent at an apartment place the boyfriend picked. i begged him to look for something cheaper. something easier to afford if something were to happen. did i win? no. i didnt even fight. i just dont understand. why do these things keep happening to me. i give and give to recieve nothing in return.
the boyfriend and i seem to come into an understanding. he does what he wants and now i do what i want. misses the whole hooking up with strangers part. that makes everthing turn to ashes. i used to be a hoe. i call them my hoe days. just not so much anymore.
our roommate brought such a creature home one day. well she was dropped off. all smiles and giggles. but the more the smiles and giggles kept on the more transparent she became. i entertained her for a little while but i just couldnt keep my mouth shut.
‘oh mr lee. what did i tell ya. we womeniz are colorful creatures. always running off with our imaginition(sp?) quick to believe our minds over the reality at hand. oh mr lee. whao it is such a life for a pretty boy.’ they were in the back sit of my chair. i had just took them to walmart to get a blow up bed. no one cared for her. she had an excuse or a something to say for anything that might draw attention to her. silly girl. i do remember my grand mother giving me a lesson on boys one summer ago. i remember thinking this was the oddest thing she has ever said to me. ‘to get the money and the big dicks you smoke your cigarette and drink your coke.’ she always had a cigarette in one hand followed by a diet coke in the other.
my thoughts are jumpie today. i can tell by my writing. part of me is like what the fuck. this is a card changer. it like the dealer is turning it over but the screen cuts right before you see the face. this could get bad. really bad. to the point i dont know what is going to come next. i could very well be in a car with my dog in the front seat heading east. back home. back to where i know i am loved. there really isnt a love like a mothers. boyfriend doesnt understand this love. he understands no love. maybe that is why its hard before us. but that would mean boyfriend isnt in the picture anymore. i dont understand what it would mean to lose him. like lose him lose him. no more cuddles. no more smootchies. his laughter is what i would miss the most.
but i must tell myself to be still.. i have little or no control when that card flips. im just disappointed. really at myself. i committed the action. now i sitting in the after flow.