i onced picked up a girl at the gas station. i had just rolled up and stopped at the gas station to get a drink. it was in september sometime. in north carolina by all accounts it was still hot but sometimes the breeze would pick up. made it more bareable. she looked clean but stranded. she stopped me ont he way out and asked for a ride. said she lived right up the road. i actually stopped and thought about things for a minute. in my car was a blunt. a blunt just for me to cheif alone. looking around i saw nothing but army guys. i know it sounds terrible but most of our boys were coming and going from tours. there was no saying she wouldnt get one boy that just wasnt ticking right. or she would land herself a less then shady fellow that would have his will with her. woman to woman it was my duty to make sure she got home safely. afterall, she asked for help.

true to her word she actually did live right down the street, less then a 5 minute drive more then an hour walk. on roads that have no side walks. i passed my old house. passed the church i hooked up with my best friend. past the gas station that i met mr. rock hard. one of dana’s many boy toys. i even shared my blunt with her. she told me how lifes works. living in a house where she regularly cheated on her guy for some pills. she was a pill head. she had kids. i never met them. i met the guy. i hung out with her a few times. up till the point where she told me she was getting locked up. but she had a choice. jail or rehab. both according to her was miserable and she actually had a choice of which jail or rehab she wanted. what the fuck..

i onced offered her to Delgrande. he was looking for some strange. and as a pill head i knew she would be up for the challenge. i didnt care. what they did was none of my business. oh how i offered her up as a sacrifice. i held up the golden platter to the gods. a finishly picked woman. to thy will be done. i felt like a god as i sat on the side lines watching. watching the lion circle the prey. sniffling. tasting the air around her. i was preched safetly up above. i pointed to her and told her everything in one look. i found her to be nothing but a rug. she was unworthy to be apart of the group. if she wanted to hang she had to pay her dues.

but she never did. Delgrande was not too pleased. once he kicked her out, he shook his head and left the room. i took her back in silence. ungrateful bitch. all i asked of her was to do what she does naturally. be a hoe. close your fucking eyes and be the best hoe i know you to be. i never talked to her after that night. she was set to rehab. i just happened to accidently delete her number.

after weeks of bone crushing hardship. i finally landed a job. something i know i will be good at. i never have to leave home. i will always be with my dog. fuck yes. the bonus was the news of the weekly pay checks. after celebrating with boy friend i went to call my madre. although her post op appointment was happening this afternoon. i learned alot about my self when she was hospitalized. when her appenix reptured it spread everywhere quickly. i remembering begging my mom to go to the er. to go she her doctor. but my mom is an old school nurse. there wasnt anything she couldnt handle. she was kept at the hospital for four days. during that time i prayed. prayed the realest form of prayer. i ask for wisdom to know what needs to be done. i went to work. i prayed. i ate. i prayed. i remember sighing a lot during that time. stress made the air stale. i remember crying at work. i remember always being pale.

my mother also had a 15 year old pitt bull mix. my brother brought it home one christmas. i have never seen a dog break my mothers spirit. Daisy broke her to the core. never being a person to believe or use crates, i watched her bring one home and set it up for her. Daisy was old. she had those tumors that most older dogs get. she was limping everywhere, she needed help to get outside to pee. the best and worst times came with dog. she was a legend. i thought her so many tricks. boy was she spicy though. you could see the tigger switch up and her attituded changed. she gave the best snuggles and held the most delightful conversations. animal planet was her favorite. i would see her ears pick up everytime the cougar killed a deer. or elk. one of those big guys. i loved Daisy dearly, but i asked my mom every so many days if she was ready to let her go. Daisy was starting to have seizures.

i prayed. i cried. i had picked up my best friend Chole, i asked her to come with me to pick up one of our cars that my mom let at the hospital. she checked herself in. i remember praying to god to send me a sign that my mother was going to be alright. just tell me what i have to do. we were sitting at the stop light. i was fighting tears. infront of my was a dog hanging out the back window of a truck. he/ she looked so happy. oh the life of a dog. god spoke to me. god  told me god wanted Daisy. i remember turning to Chole and very quietly asked if she would come with me to put my dog down. she started to cry and said always.

i didnt asked Chole to love Daisy. i didnt ask her to be kind to her. she didnt know her. and as far as i was concern Daisy could do whatever she wanted. but she stayed true to her training and sat in the front seat. we took her to the park after hitting up burger king. i got her a whopper with fries. it was just us three. we walked to the pond. it was slow process but no one minded. we took as many breaks it needed. my last picture of Daisy was her laying in the grass, you could see she was happy. i hated what needed to be done.

after the vet finished her deed. Chole even stayed around to help me bury Daisy. the hole was mine to dig. it was payment for my sins. the pain was my payment. Daisy currently rest under our big dog wood tree near my moms window. i waited till the morning of my mothers discharge to tell her. i waited to make sure she was coming home. i did something for my mom that she never could do. i know deep down. my mom has put down a lot of animals in her life time. this was the least i could do.


About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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