car click boom

i was invovled in an accident recently. the first one in a long time. i was in shock. completely. i had stopped at a four way stop and after checking my responsiblities i proceed through. there i was hit by a massive red truck. i called 911 and then my parents. responsibilites. civil duties at a citizen of this land. he then left. left the scene. i was doing what i was told. i did my duties.

i cant begin to talk about the weather here. it sticky, muggy, and just down right aweful. summer back home was nothing of this extend. boy i do miss my north carolina. i can down here for love. i followed my boyfriend of almost a year here and i hated ever since. i put up with it. like i put up with him. boyfriend is probably the best of the lot. there are things in this relationship that i never gotten with anyone else. we talk. sometimes we go through patches of uneasiness. but it doesnt stop us from sleeping in the same bed. and in odd angles. he does know me inside and out. he can always tell what i am talking or about to do. i trust him to make decisions. i dont usually question his choices unless its just unreasonable, goes againt my nature. like moving to georgia.

i used to be a hoe. i called them my hoe days. i used to have goals when it came to sleeping with men. i remember one year my goal was to have a new guy every month. then it blurred to every two weeks. to whenever where ever. now that not saying i wasnt picky. because after the guy that cheated on me and slept with my best friend at the time i def. had an idea where i was headed. no white guys. ever. again. jim bob (cheater) was my last serious relationship before the count off on my hoe days. its ok that he cheated. i was using him as my ticket out of the damn town. goes to show that if youre going to be a hoe. be a hoe on your terms. do the shit that you have to do to get to where youre going.

i have a list, or a black book, one might call it of all the guys ive had sex with. boyfriend is not on that list. i only added them after the experience and we were no more. if your name was on the list then i knew you were not one i would go back to. i mean. you met me and fucked me. usually  within the hour or so of first seeing my face. yous a hoe. one guy in this list has always stood out. oh he was perfect for me. but i was hoe. and he was the hoe that sealed the deal. i called him Batman. on the account that he had everything Batman. he was god. 6’7  he had the hikers/runners body built. although i will say it was his sense of humor that got to me. i can only be killed with laughter. i messed with him, and him alone, for weeks. but i was a hoe. i didnt deserve that much time with him.

after batman that was a one or two others. but after him and our converstation of the elite snow bunnnies. things just started to fall into place. i started to question what i was doing and where did the real me go to? i asked batman how he felt about having a snow bunny, he made a face and (wait for it) (get this) he said (and i quote he said ) (this is the turning point right her..) (i promise) he said ‘why would i want a snow bunny when i want a woman.’ i dont know what click. i dont know what light came out and shone itself to me. everything made sense right then. but he was right. i wasnt acting like a true legit woman. i wasnt carrying myself as a respectable person. what was i doing with all these hoes?? hoes for friends. hoes for the night. hoes to get you in trouble.

after batman and i parted ways. i decided to ditch my best friend, Kratos (a guy, i was in love with him, he was my best friend and my favorite hoe) and his dumb ass cheating std rittled ‘girl friend’ imposter bitch that would lie sweetly with the face of god to save her own skin. my favorite part was where she was sleeping with everyone at the bar and using Kratos’ house to do so. she always had the habit of using her teenager daughter whom she hadnt seen in years on her account of being in jail to get money from guys. so anyways. i decided to cull them from my life and anyone else that was apart of the hoe movement. i started to do things on my own. quiet things. i reconnected with my dog. we started going on walks. to the park. hiking. i loved taking Oct down near my brothers house, there was many creeks and swallow rivers she could get into with out me worrying over her drowning. as a scottie. it was nearly impossible for her to swim. we met turtles. foxes. rabbits. possums. other dogs. and endless squrriles. sometimes my brother would join us and bring his dog Guni.

i kept the quiet life every since then. i met boyfriend at our local petsmart. a month later he asked to hang out. you know smoke a little smoke. i agreed. i didnt have much going on. but what he wasnt counting on and something i already knew. i showed up, the first time and every time, with my own supply. there was no way i was going to give him any excuse to get anywhere close to me and a bed. or couch. or floor. or counter. or table. i brought my own supply. a guy cant use the excuse that he smoked you out to get a little head game. bitch please. i smoked myself out. but boyfriend wasnt like that. i remember our first time hanging out. all i can do was shake my head.

i was sitting at the counter rolling up a blunt (remember woman duties) he asked why what brought me here. i remember drawing a blank. now remember i have a hard time being able to talk about what im thinking. i spoke the first thing that called forth ” do you believe in fate” just that simple question. he admitted that it was the last thing he ever would have thought to come out. after all i panicked and left. at this time i was reconnecting with myself. i was learning to trust and act on feelings. if it wasnt a good feeling then i had to remove myself and find peace. i wasnt listening to anyone else but me myself and i. i explain this to boyfriend. and we moved on to being friends and doing stuff together. it wasnt after that i moved in that we even slept together. we had been dating for almost a month at this point. i havent been with anyone since.

but trust me. that was the hardest part. it didnt matter that boyfriend has moved into the slot of best friend/boyfriend i still thought about guys. i didnt stop me from catching their eye. even though i never outright flirted with anyone, even though i told them i was taken. the itch was still there. but i am proud of myself. i have turned down any advances. but the itch was still there. i my have gotten over my hoe days. but a little part of the hoe is still there. i truely do love boyfriend and i truely do believe i will marry him. but i know if anyone was going to cheat. it would be me. that i know it is true. once a hoe always a hoe. once a woman, carries herself as a lady, she will always be the woman that was a hoe.

so heres my advice. if you want to be a hoe. then be a hoe. dont deny it to yourself and to others. it will just hurt your feelings in the long run. dont lie to yourself. because honestly in this world that is all you have. it yourself. no one can lie to you but yourself. if you want to be a lady. then be a lady. same goes for guys. some people grow out of their hoe days. some dont. like the std rittld ‘girl friend’ or like Kratos. who slept with any girl that he could con out of money. or cars. or clothes. or houses. it doesnt matter. you are very much who you are. it is defined by your actions. it is defined by your thoughts. it is defined by what you believe. you are who you are and no one can change that but you.


About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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