when you touch the sun

let me tell you how this broke life works. before when i had the best job ive ever worked. sure i would run out of money but i alwasy had change to buy little stuff till next payday. like running out of money then is different then running out of money now. back then i knew a paycheck was coming. now. im lucky to find a quarter. when the money first stop coming in it there wasnt panic. there was oh well. then oh shit. no shit. oh fuck. fuck fuck. then silence. thats the worst part. its kinda a road marker to youre never sure when you will see money in your account.

i filed for unemployment. just something to tide me over. but that was denied. shut the fuck down real fast. i dont understand it. it should basically be like open for anyone that leaves a job. yes i quit. i walked right out. but understand that my company left my store to rot in hell. they promised us for weeks to send reinforcements after our store manager walked out. they never approved us hours to hire anyone else. it was basically me and this chick that could barely function as a manager as it. so it was just me. the third key to run the store. i was there every day of the week for a few hours if i was lucky. i had regular employees working whatever schedule they liked because they knew we were to stressed to notice. deadlines deadlines deadlines. hurry clean up the store the best you can because our DM is coming today. oh ok guys our DM says we have to try to work harder and faster but don’t forget the customer!. the golden rule of the company was never do anything to piss the customer off. all our secret shops must be 100%. but hey your store is big you must sell lots.

the store was big. but the problem is our store manager left and took about 5 people out of my 9 allowed staff with her. we were understaffed. it got so bad that we had over a months worth of stock in our back room. we werent able to work the truck. things never even made it to the shelf. it was terrible. but what made it really bad was my fuck up. that how the broke life is. with the stress from a job that never promise to not take over your life. i became someone i wasnt. my phone started to go off. calls. all of them from my work. asking me the third key what was what. who and where. i was this someone else. i stopped looking at myself in the mirror. i just looked stressed out. it was a horrible look with the guilty face. i shouldnt have touched what i did. i knew i was wrong. after the fact. when i put it back..that’s when there was a snap in my head and i saw what i had become. it was rushed. but i knew for sure that i had fucked up. i had ruined the world in which i created.

it wasnt personal. it wasnt aimed at you because of ill intentions. i tell you it couldve been anyone. the neighbor. the old lady. where i fucked up was that i knew you. you knew me. but oh the guilt. the shame. the fear. i also shouldve never put it back. i shouldve left it where anyone could get it. i wasnt who i was. and i fear i never will be agian. i did it. i touched what should not be touched. i went down the rabbit hole. i regret it. deeply and forever. i can only pray and ask for forgiveness. from you. and only you.

About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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