these dreams, they are not real. I’m suffocating. staggering in the dark. corner after turn i am faced with people i no longer consider safe. i am confronted by my doubts. tall strangers yelling at me through the storm break. i stubble into house after house. searching the long hallways for someone. something. the answer. thats what i seek. the answer to it all. roses rain down on me. the wall paper is yellow and always peeling. its raining. its water fall. its hell fire. tossing and turning doesn’t slow down the flashes is despair. repeat. fail. repeat. more roses. trapped. repeat. fail. fail. fail. repeat.
theres a switch inside of me. i remember clearly when i felt the flip. it was the day before my birthday. boyfriend was gone all day at work. so i rose and got cute. you know. did my hair. put my face on. put a little more consideration into my attire. i went to the local mall headed for a store that i may purchase some clothes since i haven’t bought anything but underwear in years. i remember being in the dressing room talking to my mom on the phone. she was so negative. so harsh. i don’t blame her. she had to deal with me thats for sure. but it was the breaking point for me. i left the mall empty handed and in tears. i cried in the parking lot. i cried on the way home. i cried in bed. but a voice as tiny as my pinkie finger. very quietly. ‘this is silly’. it was so small that i nearly missed it. but it was right. this was silly.
my attitude since then has been a complete turn around. i was able to enjoy my humble birthday. i attended church. then boyfriend and i went to target to spend the only gift i received this year. a very meager 25$. of course we over spent but not by much. at least i was able to bake a cake for myself. oh god i let the fat girl go that day. that cake never had a chance. boyfriend spent most of the day promising to get me this or that once we had money. but we’ve had money before and this never happens. i really just don’t say anything anymore.
my relationship with boyfriend has its up and down but its never anything that we can’t handle. I’ve tried to leave a few times. the latest attempt was when he told me he didn’t trust me. i say then that there wasn’t anything else to discuss then. this was all brought about that i let boyfriend in on the fact that i haven’t been completely honest about where the food was coming from. i am 100% not sorry. nor did i really care what he thought of it. he always had a full belly. what right does he have to judge.
like i also don’t feel like he should judge when he in a fit of anger spent the last of our money on a pack of cigarettes then wants to be surprised when theres barely enough gas in the car to turn it on. or when the food is gone because said gas is gone because of said money he spent on said cigarettes. but it’s useless to complain. what is done is done.
i go live tomorrow for my job. i spent most of the day being nervous. but why should i be? finally. we are getting to do something other then look at slides. i finally get to interact with the customer. I’m stoked. i may not know in depth what i will be allowed to do till i get into the arena. but I’ve got this. i have to have this. its really simple stuff and i digress. theres no need to be silly anyone.
for once in a long time i am not worried about getting pregnant. maybe I’ve worked through my deep fears about this. boyfriend wants one more and more each day. but i can’t keep reminding him that it probably won’t happen. i must. must. must. keep reminding myself that i can. i will. have a child. but i just don’t care right now. i have other things to spend my energy around. getting over my social nervousness. i can. and i will.