The mirror on the wall

I’m writing to you right now to confess my sins. I have been ill at boyfriend all day. I found a loaded gun in his closet and I lost it. A chill went down my spine and that dreadful uneasy ‘this is not a good feeling’ came over me. I tossed my head around grasping for air.  But i fought down that panic attack. I dropped boyfriend off. But still I have been ill against him all day. Know mind you. I have no problems with gun and am quite an excellent shooter. Foreheads are my favorite. 

I know what I was going to do even before I really knew I was going to do it. I just want to get away from him. For just a night longer. I am being stretched in too many directions. Too many people are demanding my attention. So many I want to grant the desire to have me look into their souls and see them. 

So I took it. I took a higher sedative sleeping pill. I took one before and it sleeps me very well. But it’s only great if boyfriend would learn TO STOP FUCKING WAKING ME UP WHEN I AM FUCKING SLEEPING. DOES YOUR BITCH ASS UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT AND PAINFUL IT IS TO WAKE UP TO ANSWER YOUR BULLSHIT FUCKING QUESTIONS. JUST. FUCKING. STOP. FUCKING. WAKING. MY. FUCKING. ASS. UP. 

With that being said. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I can feel the effects kicking in. Right on scheduled time. I love schedule times. I call them slots. Like I have you slotted from 1-2 tomorrow. Structure. That is key to me. Structure I hold dear the most. 

I understand why sister took too pills. They just don’t care what you are feeling. You are going to feel what they are feeling. It’s a releif to have someone or something take control. I understand sister. I can know label this feeling with pill control. Or tango.

Twist. Snap. Pop. Tonight she knew. She knew very much so where she was heading. Tonight no one is following her this is for her. Twist. Snap. Pop. She had to wait till night to leave. She wanted to make sure everyone was asleep before she turned the window open. Twist. Snap. Pop. For the most part the path is clear. Worn over the years of unsteady feet. It’s firm now. Just beware of the twigs and the occasional frog. Twist. Snap. Pop. Soon she will be there. She knows the way by heart now. There it is. She doesn’t even hasitate. Further and further she falls. Deeper and deeper still. It’s endless in the rabbits hole. The sick dark rabbit hole. Twist. Snap. Pop.Thud. She groans. This is the last place she wanted to be. This is not the escape she wished for. Please. God. The most merciful. Please take her elsewhere. Twist. Snap. Pop. She turned around. The red carpet is plush. No one will ever heard her coming around. It is heard before it is seen. The nasty faces give even the holiest the runs. Twist. Snap. Pop. The creatures locked for life times move slowly in its frame. It’s face is bleak at the deepest opal. Swirling in itself making the view trapped ever more within. Twist. Snap. Pop. This time she is not a weapon on her being. Nothing would hold her safely from its pleasing touches. Oh how dear and warm the mirror gives her. Kisses her sweetly over her faults. Always encouraging her to come close. Twist. Snap. Pop. But the last time she was here she cracked the surface of the fame. She knew the mirror had not forgotten. It just doesn’t matter. The mirror is calling her love. The mirror always forgives. Twist. Snap. Pop. Only for tonight she says. Just one night. It can’t be that stronger. She was stronger. She knew. Inside her though. There is an uneasy feeling. Twist. Snap. Pop. Just like that is a bleak of an eye she knew it didn’t matter anymore. She was going to her mirror and pay her dues. It’s just one more night, right? Twist. Snap. Pop. 

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About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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