Yes. You can come in. 

He said he was tired of fighting with me. He was dead tired. 

I told him to then quit being tired of me. 

He said there has to be something wrong with me. Me alone. Because he was in such a good mood. He wouldn’t let me bring him down. 

He recently returned from a paradise business trip. I had to hold down the fort. That was crumbling. He told me to be strong. But he didn’t want to hold me up when he returned. What did he expect. I kept a calm straight face while our roommate threatened my being. I didn’t beg for them not to take our washer and dryer. I didn’t cry when our dirty clothes set next to the broken vacuum cleaner. I didn’t get frestrated when my very nice requests went unheard. 

You didn’t try to stop the tears when I releaized I still had to be strong. Even when my post came home. I just wanted your love. This makes me feel unworthy. I don’t doubt your love for me. But my heart is crying. This is not what I wanted. Is it what I asked for? Have all my actions led up to this point, has it been so awful that this is what I deserve? The answer is yes. 

I let my demons back in. The minute i said yes. I’ve unlocked my tower with no door. The red room welcomed me back with no fuss, it was glad to see me knocking. Please just take it all away. Whatever you ask of me is yours. Just kiss me one last time. I need to know. I need to know now. Because right now I’m trapped. Death is no longer an option. The living won’t let me leave and the dead won’t show me the way. 

He never knows why I won’t apologize for my actions, even in the heat of the moment. But my words and actions are true. I refuse to make anyone feel they have the right they have power to make me feel inferior. I take full responsibility for all my actions. However I will apologize if made anyone else feel inferior. That is never my will. I just want us to be equal. 

Love is patient. Love is kind. It’s a phrase I keep repeating. At first it was for me. Me reminding myself to be patient. To be kind. Then it starting to turn to him. How was he kind? How was he patient? He is actually both but I am in under his skin. I sit next to his heart, feeling it’s beats. Love is tough. Love is unsafe. Love will make you rich and broke. Love is unselfish. Love is unconditional. 

I don’t know where I am going. I know where I’ve been. Now look where I am. Standing infront of my mirror trapped. It sings for me. My eyes are heavy. If I close it for just a minute I will be alright. I will wake before she takes all of me. One by one I’m slowly undoing the buttons to my dress. The song is so sweet. I can even taste the words. My swaying to her music. The sleeve slip. Then the other. I’m almost to the bottom button. I must wake soon or its over. But why should I? Here I am welcomed. Here I will be safe. With my mirror trapped. 

Bottom button. I am let the rest puddle on the floor. Closer. I need to get closer. The heat from my mirror trapped will keep me warm. The air is so sweet. Licorice and roses. I hate roses. He never got me flowers. That would’ve been nice. Oh well. I just beggars can’t be choosey. The roll of the die, that’s how we handle life, right? 

One touch I was gone. 

Well, that’s not fair. 


About moderndaigoddess

out on my own, these are my words about how crazy life can get
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