For we should glory in our bodies, for they are the work of God.
Every day is a struggle. Waking up in this body. It’s not that I’m complaining but what am I being punished for. My joints ache. My fingers swell with the coming storms. Then I find myself rubbing my hands on mid sides. Trying to see if there is less fat there then before. I have to quit. I must love my body. The boyfriend loves this body. I get hit on almost every time I go out. Maybe it’s the tattoos. Maybe it’s the booty. Maybe by chance it’s the outfit. But why can’t I just love this body. Even during my fat month where my whole body swelled up when I ran out of medicine. Even then he loved me.
The bed is just a shelf to put the body when not in use.
It was suppose to be funny. A joke. A ha ha. But what if it’s true. I kinda feel that way. In my dreams I can escape. Be with the gods I am met to be with. Always learning from them. I need to better myself. My attitude. They ask me. Where’s the queen? Where’s her majesty? Here I am. I know it now. I’m wearing my crown. Ready to make my public appearance. And I’m Fierce.
I know lately be been absent but I promise you I’ve was awake the whole time. I’m trying. It’s like in the old movies. The goons are trying their hardest to pull a lever to switch the train track. To redirect it. Times running out. The train is coming and it’s not stopping. Steam is pouring from it. The wheels blur with gaining speed. The track is my mind. The train is the raging anger. The attitude. The switch is trying to get this train out of a repeating path of distruction. I’m trying.
Lord knows I’m trying.
I had dinner with my father last night. It went as awkward as I thought it would be. Both of us are terrified of each other. Both don’t know how to be around each other. Years of angry mistrust burning a field between us. But it also went as pleasently as it could have been. We really came together when we went candy shopping and squared off at a checkers board. He whipped my ass up and down the war zone. He taught me a few tricks. It ended when I finally bested him. I’m hoping to see him again and try again to replant that burnt field.
I just hope it hasn’t been salted.
I’m choosing to stay positive. I’m choosing not to let things drag me down. Does it effect me? Does it effect my money? Does it put food on my table? No? Bye Felicia. Im choosing to put energy in the people that take time to stay in touch with me. I’m choosing to show love. I’m choosing to be happy. I’m choosing this for me.