i guess it could be worse, i suppose, falling in love with an unavailable man. i rode the wave of blissful untainted joy. i knew what was going on and i left myself unchecked. somewhat foolish. but the mirror cracked and i was left reflecting on myself. its hard letting being a lone female, its like a queen without a court. whats the use of the crown, right? but thats what its like right now, I’m left sitting on the throne wishing for the slightest sight of life. maybe I’m upset the most because i just wanted to be wrong that the little red flags were going off. fore someone else has set them off in the past. i shouldn’t hold it to him. they still went off. i took note but was just too curious to see what would happen next.
things have changed between us. my feelings got hurt big time not too long ago, and i kinda spazzed. not the you’re a piece of shit spazzed, because no queen should act that way, but the kind that really bares one soul. i told him i had falling in love. one should note though that theres a difference in ‘i love you’ and ‘falling in love’. he’s my best friend, of course theres something to fall on. it was silly of me so now I’m back here. sitting on my throne thinking about my next move. I’m not upset that my love wasn’t returned. things have changed that all.
i just didn’t think past him. you know? like i waited so long to gain his attention again and now we are here. I’ve always said that i felt like I’ve always missed my mark with everyone and everything. i sound like a desperate fan girl. so yea. I’m completely lost on what to do but not insecure in myself. i don’t mind have this silence and peace. i don’t mind being humbled. i don’t mind being a little sad.
its like finally getting to fuck your high school crush and it turns out to be the worse experience. not because it was awkward, but because he was a terrible lay. so i sit here with a mug of coffee, french cheesecake (amazing), and a blunt just waiting.